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Stories We Tell (Ourselves)

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I’m finishing the last section of my book on Covid narratives, and I keep circling back to the same conclusion: people make decisions on the basis of stories. Not evidence. Not logic. Stories. And not just their own stories—other people happily jump in to reinforce them, especially when there’s something in it for them. During the pandemic, science was catching up as it went along, so we leaned on stories to guide our actions. Remember the “15-minute rule”? Stay near a Covid-positive person for fewer than 15 minutes and you were supposedly safe, like the virus had a stopwatch. At 14:59 you’re fine, at 15:01 you’re doomed. I used that little gem myself when I delivered food to the sick family of a dear friend (bondhu). Did I actually believe it? Not really. But I wanted to believe it, and the narrative gave me cover. And that’s the thing: we don’t just invent these stories alone. We get help. People around us validate, repeat, and polish the narrative until it feels like the truth. And...
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Erase Your Past

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Loyalty is usually sold as noble. A virtue. A steady hand on the rudder of life. But in relationships, that noble loyalty takes a darker turn when the newcomer enters. Suddenly, loyalty isn’t a gift freely given — it’s a demand, an ultimatum. Prove your devotion not by being present, but by erasing everything that came before. The past isn’t just behind you; it becomes the enemy. This is not loyalty as trust or love. This is loyalty as ransom. “You want me? Burn everything else.” The friends who stood by you for decades. A threat. The family who shaped you? A liability. The institutions that made you whole? Dangerous. Your history, once your anchor, is reclassified as evidence of betrayal. To stay “loyal,” you must file for divorce from your own past. The script is ruthless. Meet an old friend, and you’re accused of disloyalty. Recall a fond memory, and suspicion grows. Show affection for anyone from “before,” and suddenly your loyalty is in question. The newcomer doesn’t just want to ...
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Loyalty: The Tie That Binds (and Strangles)

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One of my loyal readers, in a comment stated, “Genuine loyalty is moral clarity wrapped in care,” in response to a recent blog . And opened a Pandora’s Box – loyalty - that quaint little word we like to dress up in Sunday clothes, pretending it’s still shiny, noble, and worth something in a world addicted to the next big thing or the next magnificent person. I used to think loyalty was invisible, hidden quietly in gestures and choices. But no—actions out you every time. Actions don’t lie. Wear the tie with the university crest, and suddenly you’re branded: “company man.” I heard that more than once when I was chairing my department. And yes, guilty as charged. Because loyalty to an institution, to a person, to a relationship, actually meant something to me. Imagine that—choosing predictability over chaos, constancy over the sugar rush of novelty. What an old-fashioned fool. The truth is: loyalty has a price. It demands sacrifice. It demands compromise. It demands giving up some dreams,...
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Promises Without a Bottle

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I will put the associated song here in case you want to listen to it. Promises Without a Bottle A kind and thoughtful reader commented on the most recent blog and said that what eventually matters is walking toward the future with quiet clarity. Got me thinking. Sounds beautiful, almost poetic. But let’s not kid ourselves. Clarity in relationships is reaching perfection, and perfection is no small trick. Because clarity happens when promises and actions converge. When they don’t, the whole thing falls apart. Promises without action? That’s fluff, nothing more than sweet talk floating in the air. Action without promise? That’s just confusing—why the heck did you bother if there’s no suggestion of a future, no hint you’ll ever repeat it again? Sure, the promises— I care for you, I think about you —sound noble, but words without action are nothing but stage props. The real test of a narrative is not how pretty the dialogue sounds, but whether it can stand up, walk into the room, and pou...
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Stories at the Edge of Truth

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A reader kindly commented on the last blog and made a very important point. In narrative theory there is always an intended audience, and those who think they control the narrative have that audience in mind. It is not always about cleverness, or manipulation, or even power. Sometimes it is simply about survival. The one who crafts the story, trying to write out a character from the plot to make space for the newcomer, is often desperate, doing whatever it takes to keep the new guy happy, like buying a round you can’t afford just so you’re not the one left at the table with empty hands. You tell the newcomer what they want to hear because you’ve got nothing else, because maybe stroking their ego buys you another story, another sliver of a life that already feels like it’s slipping through your fingers. The story becomes less of a weapon and more of a life raft. But as the reader asked— “in my own story, am I the narrator, the newcomer, or the one written out?” —that’s where the whole t...
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The Charade of Ending Narratives

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In talking about the blogs, a dear friend and colleague reminded me that the language and the style was not like the real person I am, who is often described by well-wishers as a “smart ass” who does not mince words and takes pleasure in wise cracks and being a wiseguy, in the tradition of the word's American meaning (those who do not get it, watch some of the Mob movies about the Upper East Side of New York). And that is true. I have no hesitancy in asking people who come up to me to talk, “who are you?” Essentially saying - why should I waste my time paying attention to you? I have known to have done this to people who think they know me, and I have no idea who the person is. Lately, I was losing this touch in my writing, but my friend reminded me not to - it should show in my writing as well - she suggested. As anyone who has taken the time to know me, would know - I have no patience for crap. So, when narratives try to treat people like shit but deodorize it, I am very much a ...
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The Newcomer Wins in Ruins

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Narratives are never innocent. They are crafted artifacts, spun out of fragments of observation and stitched into coherence not because the world demands it, but because the narrator does. Unless a tale is sheer fiction, there is always an initial spark — a gesture, an overheard sentence, the sight of a raised glass — that becomes the seed of a story. The story is what the narrator does with the spark, how the flame is coaxed into a particular shape, how it is bent to illuminate one figure while leaving another in shadow. It is rarely the event itself that dictates the story, nor the person who is the object of the tale. The purpose lies in the needs of the narrator: to defend, to accuse, to justify, to protect, to erase. And when told with enough conviction, these spun tales do not merely sit alongside reality — they replace it. They become the received truth, repeated until the event itself is buried beneath layers of narration. The 1996 film Courage Under Fire understood this well....
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