August 3, 2021: Decisions we feel bad about

August 3, 2021: Decisions we feel bad about. There are always the moments of doubt. Did I do the right thing? People ponder. What if my decision led to harm for someone I care about? These things gnaw at us as we go through life. The loss of a sense of control. The pandemic has brought this forth again and again. What is the correct treatment? What is the correct policy? What is the risk that the decision brings forth? Nearly impossible to answer and dwelling on such issues causes a restlessness that can become a barrier to rational thinking. A bondhu recently said to me, “I believe calm mind can win all situations.” So true. Where does this calmness come from? It is not the “Kata” from our college days. There is no translation for Kata. It is the expression of bravado and rejection of risk assessment. Kata could mean “just let it go “or perhaps a “whatever.” But there is a difference between the calm mind and kata. That is the assessment of risk. When someone is gnawed by a decision it might be appropriate to ask what was the risk involved in making the decision, what were the benefits gained from the decision. Loss and benefit. Risk and contentment. Smoking has its component of risk, but it always offers a sense of satisfaction. I have never experienced the satisfaction of jumping off an airplane (with a parachute to reduce risk) because I have assessed the risk to be too high. This constant risk/benefit analysis kills the impromptu ness of a free spirit who wants to do things that might appear to be risky, but it demonstrates the often-lovable spirit of the person. Carefree – almost a childlike mischievousness – there are people like that who decide on the spot, “lets do it.” At least one reader will remember the winter night when three bondhus jumped into a newly purchased used car and decided to simply go on a drive. The drive ended up in Kansas from North Carolina (about 1,000 miles each way). Was it risky? Perhaps. Was it fun? Absolutely. The ability to make a decision and say, “let’s go someplace else for coffee, not where we always go” may not be a momentous decision, but it shows a sense of adventure that can be scaled up to take us from the mundane to the exotic. Unfortunately, sometimes, after the decision we feel bad about it. That is the moment when most amount of counsel is needed. This is when you need a caring voice, a hug, and someone to hold your hand and say – “its OK.” Unless done through malevolence, most decisions are not meant to harm others. Bad things may happen after the decision, but we tend to ascribe the bad thing to the decision we made. There may be a variety of other things that could have triggered the outcome. But honest, caring people often assume the blame, where there is no blame and that is something others can help with. Get the facts, get the data, and demonstrate that the decision did not create the outcome. Help the good people relax. Not be torn by unnecessary guilt. Help the decision makers grow, mistakes will happen, but not to decided, not to act, is equally a mistake.  It is what Cohen said, “I've had choices/Since the day that I was born.”

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